Dear...Rolex Watch

Rolexes are for people that know names but don’t know watches. For the price Rolex charges, you can buy dozens of other watches that are better looking, more accurate, much less common, and don’t make you look like you're an overweight white man coming off the golf course. Consider this: When former model Carla Bruni hooked up with newly minted French president Nicolas Sarkozy, the very first thing she did was make him swap out his gold Rolex for a much more refined Patek Philippe. Rolexes reek of desperation.

No one in their right mind should spend their hard earned money on a new Rolex. Here's why.

Rolex movements are over-hyped

First, the movement quality of your run-of-the-mill Rolex is nothing special. In fact, many much
more affordable Swiss watches use movements that keep time just as well. To add insult to injury, there are even some Chinese, Japanese and Russian movements that are just as -- if not more -- accurate as a standard Rolex movement.

Rolex watches look stale

Rolex’s designs are stale. This brand hasn’t released a truly new model in over a decade, and the majority of the watches it makes today are exact duplicates of the watches it made half a century ago. In fact, the biggest innovation it has made in recent years is a new metal called “Rolesor,” which is heavily advertised as a great new substance for watchmaking. Guess what; it’s just steel and gold.

Rolex stories are nothing but a myth

All those stories you hear about Rolexes being chosen as the watch for great adventures are only half true. For example, Rolex claims Sir Edmund Hillary wore an Explorer when he scaled the summit of Mount Everest for the first time. This is not the case. In fact, he only carried the Explorer until he reached the summit and then put on a watch from a small British company called Smiths. Hillary even wrote a signed letter endorsement to Smiths stating: “I carried your watch to the summit and it worked perfectly.” Rolex also submitted a watch to NASA in the early ‘60s to be considered for use in the moon missions. We all know how that turned out.

Rolex watches are for seniors or rappers

It is rare for a brand to be considered both stodgy and lame and ghetto fabulous at the very same time, yet Rolex has done it. If you ask one person on the street what they think of Rolex, they’ll tell you their elderly grandfather wears one in between rounds of golf and his daily 2 p.m. nap. If you ask another, they’ll tell you the only people that wear Rolexes are athletes and rappers. So which are you, a sleepy 85-year-old bald man or an 18-year-old athlete from the hood trying to prove his worth to the world?

Rolex watches are for posers

If you are not one of the two groups mentioned above, wearing a Rolex oozes desperation. Yes, a Rolex is the most recognizable watch on the planet -- now is that supposed to be a good thing? Young men that don a Rolex are perceived as self-absorbed, insecure and image-obsessed by those around them. Essentially, you just look like a douche. Be confident enough in yourself and in your sense of style that you don’t need to be wearing a veritable calling card of the nouveau riche.

TO ROLEX OR NOT TO ROLEX? NOT.

Rolex is masterful at branding, and mediocre at watchmaking. Do yourself a favor and pass on the Submariner, Datejust and Daytona. For the price you’ll pay for a new Rolex you can buy a vintage Steve McQueen Heuer, an equally high-quality Omega Aqua Terra Chronograph or even a limited edition boutique diving watch from Linde Werdelin. Don’t be fooled by the Rolex marketing machine. Be your own man and the next time someone tries to impress you with a Rolex, sit back and try not to make them feel bad about wearing an overpriced, under-designed, neon sign of a watch. If all this wasn’t enough to make you forget Rolex forever, we’ll leave you with one final argument: Tara Reid loves Rolex. If that doesn’t make you run in the other direction, we don’t know what will.

**Continue Part II